bloggity, bloggity, blog

So this blog thing has me thinking. Really. What I mean to say is that throughout the day, I occasionally have paige time, inward thinking, quiet time. Whatever the name, I do. And I think about things I'd like to expand on... think about. *blog about.


But I get so many thoughts that I can't decide which I like better!
That's an interesting thought :)

I recently found out that the case I've been working on is going REALLY well. And that's a really satisfying feeling. Knowing that the hours upon hours of work Marty and I have been doing is actually working. And we're about to see a very big win. Which will help our life so many ways. I'll be able to go to school- finally. ugh. I have been wanting to go to this particular thing for 9 years or so now. And the work that T's been doing will be paying off. 3 long years for him. lots invested. T is a really wonderful man and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I have been so greatly blessed with wonderful family. So I really did get the whole package; amazing marty, happy life, great new family. smile.

Ha, bubbles over here.... doing that- start with one thought, morph into the next without really realizing it- thing...

So, that being said, it's nice to know that our work here in ep is basically finished. It was great, but we knew it would be a very temporary thing. I am quite excited to get our own place, in our own little spot in the world... Open the next chapter. But I remember to be content with how things are now, too... this is sadly, the end of one chapter: essentially rent free, no real schedule, lots of chill time, tons of time to cook- which I love :)

adios. Time to enjoy...

In keeping up with things

I think I'll share a fun thing to do when I'm having *paige time.

It's nice to reminisce. But always in the most positive aspect of it all. Occasionally I will sit outside, enjoy the crisp air and take out my cell phone. I don't call anyone- just slowly look through the list of memories I have with the people with whom I've surrounded myself.
And occasionally delete the names I no longer need.
It's a nice way to release some endorphins.
Running through my list often takes me to other times which lead me to new memories. This time with a different name in my phone book.
It's time traveling, in a way. Or, maybe a new take on the photo album thing; you always end up losing a bunch of time, but gaining a bunch of fun things to think about.

And these days, I really do have a lot of time on my hands. It's nice, but admittedly, difficult to adjust to. In fact, I'm not certain that I've ever really had a good grasp on that fascinating mind feat. I know, it sounds dramatic. But really. I've always really had a difficult time doing "nothing." I forget how much fun I can have with myself. hehe. Crafting, as Marty calls it; making jewelry, making cards! Painting, taking things apart, putting them together with others I've taken apart... makes for a lovely evening. I really do love all of my paige activities, but somehow I always manage to forget how happy I am doing those things!

So, this memory phone (new take on memory foam) game really helps to me chill. Remember the people I love. Think about things that are important to me. It's nice.

This is a good big mind activity... at least in my big balloon head ...or pretty little head, as the person who I love the most says :)

*Now, S T R E T C H!

...feels amazing, right!?


(Photo: Steph Hon)

Changes

I have decided to change this a bit; from here on out, I will be writing letters to myself.
>paige- in my most honest opinion, and with a truly sincere heart, I believe you need to stop trying to fix everything. I know that's not what you're trying to do. But you need to sit back and relax. Enjoy. Small things are small things. Just because there's a bump in the road, doesn't mean that something is horribly wrong. stop assuming that. It's ok!!! and in the end, things will happen as they'll happen. Remember to think of the big mind- fill that big mind with tranquility and peace. If you stumble upon something, gather your composure and learn from that mistake. learn from that argument, learn from that dissappoinment. Then next time, you'll be more prepared. Don't over analyze everything. chill.... :)
Here is an excerpt from an article in tricycle...
"...we are dysfunctional. The worst part about it is that since we’ve never been completely functional, we don’t realize how dysfunctional we really are. If we were once completely functional, completely integrated, completely liberated and free, then we would think, “Oh my God, I used to be free, now I’m stuck, I used to be completely functional, now I’m dysfunctional....But if we don’t have that experience, we never realize that there’s a better, a more optimal way to function.”
So, stop being dysfunctional- think about that for a while, then write me back later :)

dearst number one

well, here I am. again, attempting to blog. I think that perhaps this will help to keep me sain.

it's a strange thing...my mind. I am happy, I really am. sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with nothing, that I forget. how can I be overwhelmed with nothing?! I forget to be happy, I forget why I am the way I am, I forget everything... it's this horrible vicious cycle and I feel like I get so distracted with this nothingness that all of a sudden, it's everything that I am frustrated with. It's nothing...little things that set me off. and other days, I laugh at the very same thing that made me go temporarily insane the day before.

if this makes sense to you, then all the power to you... not sure it makes sense to me.... hence, I blog. (blog, what a weird word)

I need to quit doing that! so this is my attempt to keep myself happier. I am not sure when I became the way I am now.... all this stupid bullshit anxiety.... I have always been happy about everything, the everlasting optimist, always the positive one, always the light in the room... I think for the most part, I am still that person. But what is it exactly that makes me so frustrated...and so frustrating to the people I love the most? after many hours of thought, I really believe that my problem is anxiety. but how do I make it go away...and how can I remember that all the time?! I need to create a habit. I need to check myself in every situation, every comment I make, every decision I make.... is this a response to an inner feeling? or is this a level headed decision?

what. a. task. sigh.

I found a great magazine called tricycle...or triangle or something... a Buddhist magazine. stories of others who've found peace within themselves, tips on how to be positive, clear out the negativity.... I think I'll keep reading that.

I am sure that in my future posts I will vent about my parents. I can vent all I want...and even if I blame them for so many things, when will I be able to push that out of my psyche? I am an adult... I want that underlying frustration with them to get out of my head!!!

again. an interesting and nearly impossible task. but I can do it. I am a strong and intelligent woman. I need to remember that and remind myself of that daily.

time to think.