dearst number one

well, here I am. again, attempting to blog. I think that perhaps this will help to keep me sain.

it's a strange thing...my mind. I am happy, I really am. sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with nothing, that I forget. how can I be overwhelmed with nothing?! I forget to be happy, I forget why I am the way I am, I forget everything... it's this horrible vicious cycle and I feel like I get so distracted with this nothingness that all of a sudden, it's everything that I am frustrated with. It's nothing...little things that set me off. and other days, I laugh at the very same thing that made me go temporarily insane the day before.

if this makes sense to you, then all the power to you... not sure it makes sense to me.... hence, I blog. (blog, what a weird word)

I need to quit doing that! so this is my attempt to keep myself happier. I am not sure when I became the way I am now.... all this stupid bullshit anxiety.... I have always been happy about everything, the everlasting optimist, always the positive one, always the light in the room... I think for the most part, I am still that person. But what is it exactly that makes me so frustrated...and so frustrating to the people I love the most? after many hours of thought, I really believe that my problem is anxiety. but how do I make it go away...and how can I remember that all the time?! I need to create a habit. I need to check myself in every situation, every comment I make, every decision I make.... is this a response to an inner feeling? or is this a level headed decision?

what. a. task. sigh.

I found a great magazine called tricycle...or triangle or something... a Buddhist magazine. stories of others who've found peace within themselves, tips on how to be positive, clear out the negativity.... I think I'll keep reading that.

I am sure that in my future posts I will vent about my parents. I can vent all I want...and even if I blame them for so many things, when will I be able to push that out of my psyche? I am an adult... I want that underlying frustration with them to get out of my head!!!

again. an interesting and nearly impossible task. but I can do it. I am a strong and intelligent woman. I need to remember that and remind myself of that daily.

time to think.